I’ve been doing the same things over and over again for years, I feel like there’s not going to be a change in my life. I want a change and it happens, but then I end up in the same place. Is that weird? I feel like I’m not going anywhere in life. Maybe it’s because I feel left out of things with both the internet and real life. I feel like I’m just here. Do you guys get me? Maybe not. Hmm maybe I just need break already. Time does go by fast..

I have a lot of things on my mind, that I can never get off my head. I want to talk to someone but it doesn’t seem to come out the way I want it to be. I want to say all these things planned out in m y head, yet I choose to say nothing. Explain to me why I must be the one to tell the other person something, if they choose not to. I have a lot of things in my mind, that aren’t even supposed to be on my mind. Everything was supposed to go perfectly, but it ends up putting more on mind. I don’t want to be called a bitch, so I chose not to speak. When I do I’m an idiot. Of course it would be that saying. I know what’ll happen I can already foresee it, but I’m in complete denial over the slightest things. 

I don’t know who to talk to anymore…

So today I probably realized that I’m not a best friend to her anymore. Probably will never be. She’d rather talk to other people than me. Maybe I’m being over-dramatic or maybe I’m just over thinking, but she most likely doesn’t like me. Why? Because she would rather talk to normal people than me or my other friends. She already thinks we’re weird and would rather talk to normal people. I can be serious when I want to be, I can be fun when I don’t want to be. Today I told her almost cried a little from seeing other people cry. Then she told me that if I didn’t have a reason to cry, then don’t. Which I was about to burst right there. I do have my reasons to cry, it’s because no one is ever understanding of how I feel. I always feel out of placed. I’m always the last to be picked. I’m always everyone’s last resort. Who the heck do you think you are telling that I can’t cry. Well, I’m sorry I’m just that way. I wasn’t going to cry because of some other girls crying. I was going to cry because of my problems. Not theirs, not yours. The only good thing was I held it in. I was stressed out, thinking too much, and to tell me that I shouldn’t cry over nothing…was like telling me to go jump off that roof then and there. I even told my other friend that I felt like jumping off a roof, if I wasn’t so afraid I would  have probably done it then and there. I’m already feeling guilty of the things I’ve done. I always knew I couldn’t trust people, but I did it. Now look at me I’m at the same point of where I started again. Every time I make a best friend or someone whom I could trust they just leave me. But I feel bad enough for holding her back, so I’ll let her go. 

You know today got me thinking that I am a horrible jerk. I was a horrible jerk face last year and I feel bad about it. The guy was a sweet guy, but was a huge flirt. I didn’t know why to to do and I I made up lies and told my friend to do what I was supposed to do. Unbelievable. Anyways now I am here. I am willing to forget that moment, those two weeks, only thing to focus on is our friendship. Broken hearted? Not really he moved onto another girl that summer.

This guy is the best guy friend I could ever had, we got to know each other over the summer in 7th grade and continued to talk. As time went on we continued. Eighth grade came and he asked me out I said yes. But we broke it off since it was awkward, plus I knew that he moved on very easily. I knew he still had feelings for Maureen. So, I couldn’t help but feel like a replacement. Now we’re just friends. Occasionally we’ll talk. Laugh. But I really miss him. Too bad he probably doesn’t like me anymore and we probably won’t get it back since we have separate lives.  But since 7th grade….that’s a very long time. Not as long as 5th grade, but…oh well.

Ever since the 6th grade I’ve liked this guy and I have embarrassed myself in front of him millions of times. But over the years we’ve had at least one class together and his personality…not so much of what I favor. I don’t know why I guess I had feelings for him, but he’s so annoying. I don’t know why I even liked him, but for some reason I want to see if things can go the way I want it to be. I guess it’s just a thing like the same guy in 7th grade, it’s not that I really liked the guy, but I embarrassed myself a lot. Ugh why am I embarrassing? 

I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling. Like I don’t know what I’m going to do in life. Like I’m going to fail. I had this perfect dream world and everything will go as planned, but then life goes and throws things at you…pressuring you. Then you’re stuck with no where to go, no path, nothing. It’s like…it’s like a test. To see who can survive. Except you don’t know who wins. Life or you. Most likely life might win than you will. But I don’t know maybe I can counter-attack it or something like that, you know? I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore. I just feel weird. I feel confused and conflicted at the same time. Why do I feel this way? Why am I having so many thoughts? I want to talk to somebody about these things, but who do I talk to. I feel entrapped by my own self. Why is that so? Someone help me tell me what I am doing with my life. I feel like I’m just wasting my life away on things that are plain silly. I feel like I’m heading down the wrong path and no one will help me in the end. Everybody is irritating me, but I don’t want them to be irritating. I feel stressed out all the time and I’m scared that I might just drive myself to my own death. I say I feel this and feel that, but what am I feeling really? Am I being over-dramatic? Maybe. But I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong in the world and I can’t help it. I want someone to be there. I want to start over. I want to be gone. I need a restart button. 

I feel like I will never be able to accomplish anything in life due to my negativity. I need to brighten up more. I feel like I should be more active and help  out more and join more clubs, but I’m always stuck in this little hole. In my mind I can do all these things and have this perfect image, but in reality I’m just fat, lazy, and useless. You know what I mean? I want to do these things, but I don’t know if I can. You know what? I’m doing it. But I need a way to get there. I need a path to get there. 

Ever picture yourself in a field filled with flowers and grass? The sky looking as clear as possible. Light wind blowing against the skin. The feeling of freedom, like no one could stop you. Running around with the person you love right next to you. Nothing could got possibly go wrong. Every time you’re sad or angry you escape to the exact place. Where else would you go? You hear a light sound of birds chirping and music flowing through the air, it was a wonderful feeling. Carefully falling down into the grass, laying there looking at the sky. More thoughts come in as some come out. How do you feel now? Still relaxed of course.You wish to stay there forever, but then you must leave. Next day comes and where are you? At the exact place, with the person you love laying next to you. A smile forms on your face as you watch them sleep. So gentle. So peaceful. Looking back up you wonder what all of this really is? Will it become reality? Or is it just a repeated dream?With that in mind your eyes start to slowly close. The other waking up sees that you have fallen asleep and kisses your forehead. How do you feel? All warm inside? At ease feel? Last but not least happy? Often times we never feel this way, but this…at this moment I want to feel it.

So I met up with my friend Kaylee (along with a few other friends) and it was fun. I found out she loves anime and kpop, so we started spazzing out. I thought she only liked songs, but she also liked the groups and we started spazzing and singing at Target together. It was really fun. I really love meeting up with my friends. Sadly the other two have jobs and couldn’t make it, but we’re planning to have a meet up every month or so. Again it’s just the best day ever. It’s just too awesome. 

I went to hang out with my friends. I saw my old friend Sabrina. It was so nice to see her. Today is a great day. I wish it didn’t have to end, but it did hahah. But next week I’m hanging out with them again, but this time with the others that weren’t able to come today. So, that’ll be very exciting. Also, next week is the last week of testing. So, that’ll be good. Ummm I’m trying to see if there’s anything else. Nothing much. It seems life time is going by fast. After talking and hanging out with them I remembered how much fun it is to hang out with friends. I’ve been happier than I have been.